OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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