You're a womanizer and a bitch.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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