When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he thought i was a dude.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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