i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
