why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
