My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
