A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
