We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
