Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
