I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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