So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
