Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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