a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
