I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
