sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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