What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
