glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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