I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
