shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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