It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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