i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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