The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
