i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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