I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
