there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
