I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
