There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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