You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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