people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
