Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
