4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
