I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
