I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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