I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
