my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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