I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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