Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
