Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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