Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
