Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
