Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
