I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
