I just saw a hot homeless man
false alarm. still invincible.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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