um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
