I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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