Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
