My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Randomize
