Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
You're my little dorito
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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