I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
