I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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