I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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