a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
