life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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