Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
