The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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