Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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