she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
