I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
