Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
